![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
- Location:Tokyo, Japan
- Mood:indescribable
- Music:doce - rainy days
Simple as I am
The lies around
Are convincing me there's nothing right there
Outside only breeze
Cold that rescues me
The wound in here
Is reminding me that I'll be one day
Just a broken wheel onto your way
I don't want to please you forever
While the magic dice
Are on the ground
I'ts so hard to decide between myself and you
Pain is covering me
As an healing wind
That clears the sky
Will you promise me the things you told me?
Will you give me everything I want?
I don't want to please you forever
No lies
I'm purified
And no more failure in my life
Water onto my fire
I don't want to please you forever
The lies around
Are convincing me there's nothing right there
Outside only breeze
Cold that rescues me
The wound in here
Is reminding me that I'll be one day
Just a broken wheel onto your way
I don't want to please you forever
While the magic dice
Are on the ground
I'ts so hard to decide between myself and you
Pain is covering me
As an healing wind
That clears the sky
Will you promise me the things you told me?
Will you give me everything I want?
I don't want to please you forever
No lies
I'm purified
And no more failure in my life
Water onto my fire
I don't want to please you forever
- Location:Tokyo, Japan
- Mood:awake
- Music:rain falling outside
- Location:Tokyo, Japan
- Mood:
restless - Music:silence
- Location:Tokyo, Japan
- Mood: lonely
- Music:silence
I wonder how can I go on and on
when you want to bury my passion
You are the shell around
And I cannot escape
and I swallow my pride
Entwined together now
It's time to pass it over
(and you take me over, over again)
Entwined together now
And you take me over
Over again
I wonder
how can I live on and on
when you want to live in a hurry
You are the wall
-that I-
That I have to remove
And I swallow
I swallow my pride
Entwined together now
It's time to pass it over
Entwined together now
Entwined forever
And you take me over
Over again
Entwined together
Entwined forever
- Location:Tokyo, Japan
...fallen on my knees only for you...forgive me.
...saving all my words only for you...forgive me.
...saving all my words only for you...forgive me.
- Location:Tokyo, Japan
- Mood:
anxious - Music:Lacuna Coil - Within me
I've had some weird experiences after my brother died.
My conscience tells me that there must be some perfecty logical explanation but my heart refuses to say the same because I know deep inside that it's true.
I had some restless nights that is true. I felt my soul separate from my body, I even floated above myself and saw my body lying below me (and no people...i wasn't on drugs).
I felt a hand touching my shoulder more than once, while I was trying to fall asleep...I turned and there was no one there.
I saw a brilliant shadow moving across my room and my brother's eyes staring at me while he smilled.
I felt dizzy, extremelly sad and just wanted to cry without knowing why, at the same exact time that my brother was dying. I remember it clearly as if it was today: I was cooking, my boyfriend at the time was sitting down and watching tv, it was a perfectly normal night and no need to be sad at all. Suddenly I felt my heart beat faster, I felt dizzy, I just wanted to cry so much and I didn't know why. Just a minute before I was checking the time to see if it wasn't too late and there I was: suddenly sad and desperate. I thought I was having an anxiety attack or something like that. The next morning my dad calls: 'Eva please come home, Riccardo died'. I couldn't believe what I just heard, I cried so badly I never remember crying so much. I cried like a baby, but a baby that doesn't want anyone to hold her. My bf tried to hug me and calm me down and I just wanted to be left alone to cry, because at that time I wanted to die too. It was a cold winter day, outside everything seemed normal...but he wasn't alive anymore and there was something missing, someone missing in the world - my brother.
Until today I remember that day and how the smell of hospital surrounded me while I was cooking for my dad in the next days. I was walking around the kitchen...no smell...walking towards the window...no smell...but right where I was, the smell was so strong. And after...his light perfume filled the room.
I felt many times specially in the beginning as if someone was touching my hair. I felt it so intensely that if i would close my eyes i could swear that there was someone there, touching my hair.
the list goes on and on...i just know that this really happened, and I believe in me and what I felt.
and today i still feel as if someone is lightly touching my hair.
there is something more than this.
My conscience tells me that there must be some perfecty logical explanation but my heart refuses to say the same because I know deep inside that it's true.
I had some restless nights that is true. I felt my soul separate from my body, I even floated above myself and saw my body lying below me (and no people...i wasn't on drugs).
I felt a hand touching my shoulder more than once, while I was trying to fall asleep...I turned and there was no one there.
I saw a brilliant shadow moving across my room and my brother's eyes staring at me while he smilled.
I felt dizzy, extremelly sad and just wanted to cry without knowing why, at the same exact time that my brother was dying. I remember it clearly as if it was today: I was cooking, my boyfriend at the time was sitting down and watching tv, it was a perfectly normal night and no need to be sad at all. Suddenly I felt my heart beat faster, I felt dizzy, I just wanted to cry so much and I didn't know why. Just a minute before I was checking the time to see if it wasn't too late and there I was: suddenly sad and desperate. I thought I was having an anxiety attack or something like that. The next morning my dad calls: 'Eva please come home, Riccardo died'. I couldn't believe what I just heard, I cried so badly I never remember crying so much. I cried like a baby, but a baby that doesn't want anyone to hold her. My bf tried to hug me and calm me down and I just wanted to be left alone to cry, because at that time I wanted to die too. It was a cold winter day, outside everything seemed normal...but he wasn't alive anymore and there was something missing, someone missing in the world - my brother.
Until today I remember that day and how the smell of hospital surrounded me while I was cooking for my dad in the next days. I was walking around the kitchen...no smell...walking towards the window...no smell...but right where I was, the smell was so strong. And after...his light perfume filled the room.
I felt many times specially in the beginning as if someone was touching my hair. I felt it so intensely that if i would close my eyes i could swear that there was someone there, touching my hair.
the list goes on and on...i just know that this really happened, and I believe in me and what I felt.
and today i still feel as if someone is lightly touching my hair.
there is something more than this.
- Location:Tokyo, Japan
- Mood: depressed
- Music:The Cure - Pictures of You
i rarely tend to talk about my brother and what happened to him.
the problem is: i do talk about my brother but i don't talk about how i felt and still feel about losing him.
and when it gets closer to his birthday, to christmas...these are the worst times in the year so i just don't want to talk with anyone or i do stupid things to release the pain i feel inside.
and why?
because I lost him almost 3 years ago but everyday is a struggle to accept it, everyday seems a new one when i need to remember that he doesn't exist anymore. I get up from bed and think 'i'll call my brother' and then i remember 'but he doesn't exist anymore' - at least as I knew him, because I do believe that people's energy never dies and that there is something beyond this life. THERE MUST BE.
i really miss my brother. My only brother, the one that took care of me when i was a kid and tried to get me off troubles when i was a teenage. We had great laughs together - why did we fight so much at the end?...if i could only turn back time...
he would have some great advises to give me right now and this time i would listen. because i am not a child, not a teenage anymore. i'm a woman that does many mistakes, that is true, but i would listen to his words...
he would be at least proud of me being here in Japan, he would try to learn japanese too because he always wanted to visit Japan and he loved this culture and people.
if he would come back now he would be surprised with so much that changed.
see Riccardo? i dumped João, that guy that didn't treat me well for 4 years. I did another piercing, I did a tattoo with your name in kanji.
I've cut my hair and it's so much shorter that it used to be - remember my hair was so long?
I do bellydance for more than 3 years and you knew about it, but you never saw me dance. I would show you all I learned and how dancing sets my soul free.
I went to Belgium and before I travelled home to Poland and visited many new cities, I was in Berlin after and I also visited Prague. You should see the pictures.
We have a new pet now, it's a huge rabbit all grey and she's so sweet. Her name is Sushi. ^^
At home, dad and I get along and don't fight that much as before. he is getting much older and I know he won't last that long so I stopped wanting him to learn about the real modern world outside. He doesn't aprove a lot in me but he knows that deep inside I am more responsable. Mom is sad. She thinks about you everyday and all she can do is pray for you to come back. She goes out more now and tries to keep herself busy, that's good.
I lived in Lisbon during at least 1 year while I was studying in my university - the first apartment wasn't a good experience and I had a really tiny room but the second apartment was great, we all get along and are still friends. I lived in Santos, Lisbon, back then and the neighborhood is beautiful in the sunny Lisbon.
Riccardo: so much happened during these almost 3 years...
where were you? where are you now?... i want to hold you and listen to your voice again. but i know that now, i have to grab myself to that sweet memories that make me cry so much. i have to hold on to my memories, that's all that is left from you. memories and pictures...
my pictures of you...
- Location:Tokyo, Japan
- Mood: depressed
- Music:The Cure - Pictures of You
they say that words release. words are powerful and if you feel bad, writing helps. i know it does, because when i write i can think before acting, i can analyze my thoughts and actions. and i feel free.
so after screwing up (or not) everything yesterday due to my not-thinking-acting-impulsive ...............
today i'm doing some major changes in my life:
so i hope he does forgive me and he will meet me.
so after screwing up (or not) everything yesterday due to my not-thinking-acting-impulsive ...............
today i'm doing some major changes in my life:
- i quit smoking
- i'll clean my room (today is the day, i promise! ^^)
- i'll spend less money
- i left drinking behind (at least until the next party or big event, then i can drink socially but not too much :|)
- i begin to exercise again - i left my bellydance for too long, and it really makes me feel good about myself. :)
- i grab my japanese book and study more so i can talk in japanese
so i hope he does forgive me and he will meet me.
- Location:Tokyo, Japan
- Mood: anxious
- Music:Lacuna Coil - Within me
again...sometimes i do things or say things without thinking before and that may be one of my bigger problems.
then, i seem like an unconscious person, i regret and stress out thinking that people will get mad at me - and maybe they should.
the thing was that i was really missing him and he came. i was so happy to finally see him and talk with him...i was really missing him a lot. And yes, he came and when i saw him, we barely spoke, there was almost no time and there was this girl talking a lot with him. And i got so jealous... :/ and then when he went away, I was a bit angry 'how could he just walk away from me and not say anything?', 'maybe he prefers her to me?'... :x i am so stupid i know. And today i woke up with a huge hangover thinking why the hell i acted so stupid. Because he is really busy and if he came that means something good, right? early early in the morning i walked to his place - this was how much i needed to talk with him - and left a note in his car asking for him to call me because i need to talk with him. I did it impulsively, because I was having a great need of talking to him, explain why i got angry, ask him why didn't he talk with me...everything. And just now I feel that maybe he will get mad when he comes home and finds that note :| because it may seem like i am stalking him or something... but yeah...i was drunk and needing to talk with him.
i just hope that today he still wants to see me (after all that happened) cause I really feel bad screwing everything up... :/
oh well...just wish me luck. :/
then, i seem like an unconscious person, i regret and stress out thinking that people will get mad at me - and maybe they should.
the thing was that i was really missing him and he came. i was so happy to finally see him and talk with him...i was really missing him a lot. And yes, he came and when i saw him, we barely spoke, there was almost no time and there was this girl talking a lot with him. And i got so jealous... :/ and then when he went away, I was a bit angry 'how could he just walk away from me and not say anything?', 'maybe he prefers her to me?'... :x i am so stupid i know. And today i woke up with a huge hangover thinking why the hell i acted so stupid. Because he is really busy and if he came that means something good, right? early early in the morning i walked to his place - this was how much i needed to talk with him - and left a note in his car asking for him to call me because i need to talk with him. I did it impulsively, because I was having a great need of talking to him, explain why i got angry, ask him why didn't he talk with me...everything. And just now I feel that maybe he will get mad when he comes home and finds that note :| because it may seem like i am stalking him or something... but yeah...i was drunk and needing to talk with him.
i just hope that today he still wants to see me (after all that happened) cause I really feel bad screwing everything up... :/
oh well...just wish me luck. :/
- Location:Tokyo, Japan
- Mood: restless
- Music:Lacuna Coil - Within me
- Location:Tokyo, Japan
- Mood: anxious
- Music:naughty zombies - quiero ser tu enfermera
some days I just want a Xanax Martiniiiiii O_o
- Location:Tokyo, Japan
- Mood: anxious
- Music:norma loy - power of spirit
- Location:Tokyo, Japan
- Mood: cold
- Music:Lacuna Coil - Closer
it was a rainy day outside...
- you like rain? - he asked.
- yes, i do. but only when i am at home and feel warm. - she answered.
but did he understand what she was talking, what she was thinking about?
'i want to be at home with you and feel warm, i want to feel your warmness again' - she thought.
but she had to leave and he had to leave too.
a small kiss in her lips, a rainy day outside... and she went back home and to her daily life.
he went away and said goodbye.
and the raindrops were still falling on the floor... but she was feeling cold and didn't want to say goodbye.
at night and back home again she was lying in bed and thinking about him. '霞' she whispered... 'i want to hold you again, do you want to hold me too?'.
- you like rain? - he asked.
- yes, i do. but only when i am at home and feel warm. - she answered.
but did he understand what she was talking, what she was thinking about?
'i want to be at home with you and feel warm, i want to feel your warmness again' - she thought.
but she had to leave and he had to leave too.
a small kiss in her lips, a rainy day outside... and she went back home and to her daily life.
he went away and said goodbye.
and the raindrops were still falling on the floor... but she was feeling cold and didn't want to say goodbye.
at night and back home again she was lying in bed and thinking about him. '霞' she whispered... 'i want to hold you again, do you want to hold me too?'.
- Location:Tokyo, Japan
- Mood:
sleepy - Music:silence
my sweetness... my dream.
i met you in these last days and already I am addicted to the smell of your skin, to the brightness of your eyes, to your beautiful smile...
it's not love but a sweet addiction, what bonds me to you, but i know that a bit more...a bit more of you and i'll fall in love again.
and times passes by so slowly... so slow when I don't hear your voice. If it's not what it seems, not what I thought it could be and it's only in my mind...a real lie... then my love, I will fall apart in my sweet dream of you.
i met you and in that magic instance i felt the world stop as I looked into your eyes. i knew at that time that i would never want to be apart from you. but why am i so afraid? i am so afraid to dream, so afraid to be hurt that it tears my heart into pieces. because my feelings for you are real... and I want you in my life - not as a dream, not as lie - but I want you by my side.
i won't mention your name, won't post any picture - the image of you that i have on my mind is enough, and i respect your privacy.
but you are already special to me and i miss you as you've been gone for centuries. But oh God...I feel like I am dying a little more everyday, craving for your smile and your touch... just take me away from here and embrace me as if the world won't last until tomorrow.
i'm walking towards you and trying to listen to your heartbeat among the silence of the streets that separate us, maybe to find myself too...I'm longing to be lost in you. where are you now? where are you walking now my love?... i need you in me again.
my dear... don't misunderstand me, let me tell you how I feel... because if you feel it too then this is for real.
i have never given myself to anyone this way and if it happened then it's just because i felt something strong and real for you. you are not just a night in my life, just another person to talk to. i felt something beyond a flirt, something more. but how could i explain it in words, when time was so short and i wasn't sure if i would see you again? maybe yes, i shouldn't rush, i shouldn't have given myself so fast, maybe that was a mistake but believe me when i say that the way you make me feel makes me want to be only yours.
your silence makes me wonder if you feel the same or if i was just someone to hold in that night. but please believe me when i say: i want to hold you forever.
- Location:Tokyo, Japan
- Mood:determined
- Music:Evanescence - Away from me
Sparkling grey,
Through my own veins.
Any more than a whisper,
Any sudden movement of my heart.
And I know, I know I'll have to watch them pass away
Just get through this day
Give up your way, you could be anything,
Give up my way, and lose myself, not today
That's too much guilt to pay
Sickened in the sun
You dare tell me you love me
But you held me down and screamed you wanted me to die
Honey you know, you know I'd never hurt you that way
You're just so pretty in your pain
Give up my way, and I could be anything
I'll make my own way
Without your senseless hate... hate... hate... hate.
So run, run, run
And hate me, if it feels good.
I can't hear your screams anymore
You lied to me
But I'm older now
And I'm not buying baby
Demanding my response
Don't bother breaking the door down
I found my way out
And you'll never hurt me again.
my darling I loved you before, I cried and screamed in silence while you were gone...
i could have done anything, could be anyone as long as you'd want me to be.
and now...
now you want me back? want me to leave everything behind?
i told you before: one day i will be strong enough to say 'no', strong enough to stand on my own feet and won't need you anymore. But now...you want me back in your life. Have you realized just now how much you miss me, how much i am important for your happiness? seems so...
but my darling...i am not yours anymore. i cried all there was to cry, i learned to be on my own.
and you knew...this day would come.
Through my own veins.
Any more than a whisper,
Any sudden movement of my heart.
And I know, I know I'll have to watch them pass away
Just get through this day
Give up your way, you could be anything,
Give up my way, and lose myself, not today
That's too much guilt to pay
Sickened in the sun
You dare tell me you love me
But you held me down and screamed you wanted me to die
Honey you know, you know I'd never hurt you that way
You're just so pretty in your pain
Give up my way, and I could be anything
I'll make my own way
Without your senseless hate... hate... hate... hate.
So run, run, run
And hate me, if it feels good.
I can't hear your screams anymore
You lied to me
But I'm older now
And I'm not buying baby
Demanding my response
Don't bother breaking the door down
I found my way out
And you'll never hurt me again.
my darling I loved you before, I cried and screamed in silence while you were gone...
i could have done anything, could be anyone as long as you'd want me to be.
and now...
now you want me back? want me to leave everything behind?
i told you before: one day i will be strong enough to say 'no', strong enough to stand on my own feet and won't need you anymore. But now...you want me back in your life. Have you realized just now how much you miss me, how much i am important for your happiness? seems so...
but my darling...i am not yours anymore. i cried all there was to cry, i learned to be on my own.
and you knew...this day would come.
- Location:Tokyo, Japan
- Music:sparkling grey...
i am addicted to this song...
Bound to your side and trapped in silence
Just a possession
Is this sex or only violence
That feeds your obsession
You send me to a broken state
Where I can take the pain just long enough
Then I am numb -t hen I just disappear
So go on infect me
Go on and scare me to death
Tell me I asked for it
Tell me I'll never forget
You could give me anything but love
Anything but love
Does it feel good to deny
Hurt me with nothing
Some sort of sick satisfaction
You Get from mindfucking
Stripped down to my naked core
The darkest corners of my mind are yours
That's where you live
That's where you breathe
So go on infect me
Go on and scare me to death
Dare me to leave you
Tell me I'll never forget
You could give me anything but love
Anything but love
Without any faith
Without any light
Condemn me to live
Condemn me to lie
Inside I am dead
So go on infect me
Go on and scare me to death
I'll be the victim
You'll be the voice in my head
You could give me anything but love
Anything but love...
Bound to your side and trapped in silence
Just a possession
Is this sex or only violence
That feeds your obsession
You send me to a broken state
Where I can take the pain just long enough
Then I am numb -t hen I just disappear
So go on infect me
Go on and scare me to death
Tell me I asked for it
Tell me I'll never forget
You could give me anything but love
Anything but love
Does it feel good to deny
Hurt me with nothing
Some sort of sick satisfaction
You Get from mindfucking
Stripped down to my naked core
The darkest corners of my mind are yours
That's where you live
That's where you breathe
So go on infect me
Go on and scare me to death
Dare me to leave you
Tell me I'll never forget
You could give me anything but love
Anything but love
Without any faith
Without any light
Condemn me to live
Condemn me to lie
Inside I am dead
So go on infect me
Go on and scare me to death
I'll be the victim
You'll be the voice in my head
You could give me anything but love
Anything but love...
- Location:Tokyo, Japan
- Mood:determined
- Music:anything but love
This blog was created as a substitute for a blog I had in another domain...so the first posts may be in large number because I wanted to post here some stuff I had on the other blog.
I had countless blogs before, right now I maintain in livejournal 2 other blogs (one about Japan and the other one is shared with my friend Fieber, our blog inspired in the XX century history and where we analize many events that happened or are happening now - critical intelectual attitude, whatever you may want to call what we write). This one will serve as an escape from everything else I write. Because sometimes there are things that are said better when written...as well as there are things I just can express in silence.
Remember 'Enjoy the silence' lyrics, by Depeche Mode? '...words are very unnecessary, they can only do harm'.
So I will start... for myself and whoever wishes to read. :)
I had countless blogs before, right now I maintain in livejournal 2 other blogs (one about Japan and the other one is shared with my friend Fieber, our blog inspired in the XX century history and where we analize many events that happened or are happening now - critical intelectual attitude, whatever you may want to call what we write). This one will serve as an escape from everything else I write. Because sometimes there are things that are said better when written...as well as there are things I just can express in silence.
Remember 'Enjoy the silence' lyrics, by Depeche Mode? '...words are very unnecessary, they can only do harm'.
So I will start... for myself and whoever wishes to read. :)
- Location:Tokyo, Japan
- Mood:determined
- Music:Apocalyptica feat. Cristina Scabbia - S.O.S.
